Will You Ignore Me, Even When I’m Dead?

(Trigger Warning: Abuse, Suicide)

Dear Person-Who-Means-Nothing-To-Me-Now,

You were supposed to love me.

But you ignored me when I spoke instead.
And when you lost patience, I got a bash to the head.
‘Sacrifice’ was a foreign word to you.
And I most often found myself paying your dues.
I would dive to the floor to catch your tears.
Yet you were never bothered to calm my fears.
Your needs and feelings were always in front of mine.
“I’m sad”, I’d say. “Well, my problems are worse”, you chimed.
Confused, lonely and just a lost kid.
You kicked me out of the room so you could call your โ€œfriend from the officeโ€.

You were supposed to care for me.

I was blamed for the difficult times instead.
No money at home? “It’s because you made me buy those snacks”, you said.
I made my blood drip, because I thought it was true.
My school fees made you hit me until I was blue.
I felt guilty for being such a burden.
And for weeks and months and years, I was so badly hurting.
I tried to tell you that I didn’t want to live.
You raised your voice, and didn’t give a shit.
A doctor to see was what I wanted.
Because I knew that my brain was madly haunted.
You finally gave in to shut me up.
Then kept me from going because “We don’t have enough.”

You were supposed to guide me.

I didn’t have friends and was bored out of my mind.
You ignored me and assumed I was doing just fine.
I’d choke on my sobs right in front of you.
Sick of it, your insults became all that I knew.
I struggled to stay true to who I am.
Meanwhile, you tried to change me to fit your plan.
The others’ hateful comments kept my smile from beaming wide.
Even then, you couldn’t be on my side.

Surrounded by bullies, and that included you, I didn’t think that there was much else to do. Drained of hope and tears down my face, I ran the bath and put the razors in place. “Quite a sight”, I thought as I pictured how I would be, and felt no remorse for the scene you’d see. With quick motions and no time to spare, I closed my eyes as my soul left for the stars up there.

 

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15 thoughts on “Will You Ignore Me, Even When I’m Dead?

        1. Ohh, I got ya. I have heard that sometimes drawing on places where you feel like cutting can help, though I’ve never tried it myself. And yeah, I already have one tattoo but getting another on my wrists might be cool!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Do whatever helps. I got my second tattoo on my cutting arm when I was seventeen. It was kind of a positive reinforcement for me; didn’t want to defile the art. I haven’t cut since. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  1. woah! what a post. “You were supposed to guide me.” is the best part literally.
    and like shreya said if you want to talk to someone you could reach to me too. ๐Ÿ™‚ we’ll talk.
    be happy. xo

    Like

  2. Heyy this was very well written! And if you ever feel this way please reach out to someone, anyone. You may contact me, if you want to rant or just talk, I won’t mind! There are people out there who care๐ŸŒธ

    Like

    1. Thanks so much, that is very sweet of you! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m actually overcoming that whole situation and am moving on to better things, but I’ll be sure to talk to you if I ever am looking for help, tysm, xo

      Liked by 3 people

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